DOG PROPERTY LAWS

• If I like it, it's mine.
• If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
• If I can take it from you, it's mine.
• If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
• If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
• If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
• If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
• If I saw it first, it's mine.
• If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
• If it's broken, it's yours.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:

• Both take up too much space on the bed.
• Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
• Both mark their territory.
• Neither tells you what's bothering them.
• The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
• Neither does any dishes.
• Both fart shamelessly.
• Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
• Both like dominance games.
• Both are suspicious of the postman.
• Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:

• Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
• Dogs miss you when you're gone.
• Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
• Dogs admit when they're jealous.
• Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
• Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
• You can train a dog.
• Dogs are easy to buy for.
• Dogs understand what "no" means.
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
7. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
10. A dog does not shop.

LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:

• If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
• Don't go out without ID.
• Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
• Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
• Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
• When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
• If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.